Imagine, if you will: You're a single guy who (a few years back) was in a terrible marriage with this overbearing foreign broad. She treated you like shit and tried to run every fucking aspect of your life. You were miserable. So one day, after trying everything to make it work, you finally decided enough’s enough, and served her with papers... She did not take it well. The divorce was messy, but in the end you basically got everything. You knew immediately you didn't want another serious relationship, you’re too independent for that. You just needed something light… You needed a fuck-buddy.
So after a long search, you finally met the perfect girl. She also hated girls who control guy’s lives. The two of you even pinky-swore you’d never let it get too serious. And for a while, it was great. You were enjoying your life, making tons of cash and best of all: she never told you what to do or busted your balls.
And then it happened… she started asking for money. She promised she only needed a little bit to help with bills. Even though you should've known better… you agreed, and started tossing her a few bucks a month. After that, the nagging started, and things went downhill, fast.
She started hanging out more often, and complaining that you drink too much. Over time she broke you down, and finally made you promise to never drink again (Goddammit that was stupid, what were you thinking?) After a lot of bad noise you both realized that was never going to happen. So once again the booze flowed freely, and there was much rejoicing. You thought things were actually getting back to normal. No chance.
One night (without warning) the bitch threw out all your weed. When you confronted her, she freaked out, grabbed a knife and yelled, “If I ever see you with weed again… or if you even think about breaking up with me, I’ll fucking cut your ass.” You figured weed’s bad for you anyway, and it wasn’t worth fighting over… besides, if you wanted to smoke, you’d just make sure she didn’t find out.
Bit by bit she started controlling every little piece of your life. She nagged you to get rid of the car you loved and buy something more "practical." When you remodeled your bathroom she told you what kind of toilet, shower head, and water heater to buy (To make sure you still felt like a man, she let you make the final choice from a list of products that she liked… that manipulative bitch.) She did the same with the appliances in your kitchen, and quietly replaced all your light bulbs with the kind she preferred. Even though you resented it, you had better things to do than worry about interior decorating, so to avoid a fight, you gave in and did what she wanted.
You knew she'd been cheated on before, and even though you had never (and would never) cheat, she started acting completely psycho paranoid... like she couldn't trust you. She was constantly asking where you'd been, even checking your cell phone and e-mail to see who you'd been talking to. Sometimes, she would actually examine your cock to make sure you were being faithful.
Whenever you tried reminding her you were only fuck-buddies and that you both promised it wasn’t supposed to be a serious relationship, she’d just laugh and say "Are you serious? That was so long ago, we've grown past that honey!... and if you break up with me I’ll fucking kill you." By this point she was spending almost half your paycheck and running up huge goddamn bills on your credit card. When she’d max out a card, she’d throw a fit and demand you raise the credit limit. If you ever asked her to spend less, she’d scream her head off that you're a greedy bastard who only cares about himself.
So here we are, 2011 and somehow you're still in this fucking relationship... A relationship that every goddamn doctor in the fucking world would call "A shit-show devoid of communication and totally lacking health boundaries... In short, fucked." And she's only getting worse. A few weeks ago she’d informed you that you have no right to stop her from coming over for no reason, and she even stopped knocking, hoping to catch you in some act she forbade. And now the inevitable has happened... She's demanding her own set of keys to your place (You know… for emergencies):