In their recent "Occupy Wall Street" protests, liberals made 2 things perfectly clear: First, you can do some of the drugs, all the time; and you can do all of the drugs, some of the time… but you can't do all of the drugs, all of the time, without huge sacrifices in basic hygiene and interpersonal skills.

Second, liberals still think "the rich" don't "pay their fair share." Somehow -- no matter how many times you show them federal tax statistics -- liberals refuse to reevaluate their world view (which kind of makes sense… If they admitted that they're not actually being screwed by anyone, they'd have no one to hate but themselves).

So, let's put an end to this bullshit socialist talking point once and for all... Any way you look at it, "the rich" pay far more than their "fair share" of federal taxes:

"It's not that our liberal friends are ignorant… It's just that they know so much that isn't so." Absolutely Goddamn right. But if that chart's not doing it for you, here's another:

Had enough?... No? Fine... fuck you, one more: [note: this one can be a little confusing at first, each column adds up to 100%, the more of a color, the more that group paid.]

Last year the Federal Government spent $3.8 trillion, that’s $16,000 per working age adult. So, liberals, unless you paid the Feds 16k last year, the rich not only paid THEIR fair share, they paid YOUR fair share as well. So stop fucking lying you intellectually dishonest cocksuckers.

Listen, its not about feeling sorry for rich people, they're probably all douchebags, but when someone buys you a drink (even when he's rich and can afford it) you say thank you... You don't call him greedy and demand he buy you 15 more, because that makes you an ungrateful little bitch.

In the old days, politicians could just send an aide to pick up a briefcase full of cash in a rainy parking lot, and that was that... Bribe accomplished. But now with cell phone cameras, banking records, and that Goddamn internet, using your elected office to become millionaire is getting tricky.

Fortunately for struggling public servants everywhere, the classic "shady land-deal" still works like a charm. It's basically the political version of insider trading: You find some worthless/shitty land and have your "associates" buy it up for you (if the current owners won't sell, you simply force them out... you're the government). Then you rezone (or build a highway through) the land, its value skyrockets, and your "associates" cut you in on the profits.

By the looks of it, some California politicians have already chosen their "shitty land" and are working on stage two: Forcing out the current owners:

"We're from the government, and we're here to help" ... That piece of shit County Supervisor's a prime example of why term limits are so Goddamn important. How many terms?… One. Your liberty is more fucking important than some power-hungry douchebag's career.

"I challenge you: Name for me a single government program which has accomplished its intended objectives, rather than the opposite... which has not done more harm than good." ~Milton Friedman

Alright liberals... question: Is it better for a high school kid to be unemployed, or for them to get a job somewhere for three bucks an hour, learn some skills, and gain work experience? And more importantly, if someone wants to work for a given amount… who the fuck are you to tell them no?

Thomas Sowell pointed out "The minimum wage is always zero." Absolutely goddamn right. The worst thing you can do for poor people is chop off the bottom rungs of the latter. Why the fuck do you think teen unemployment is at 24%?

What was true back then is true today, the government isn't fucking magic. (Now this may not be most riveting video you've ever seen, but the points it makes are key):

First, the Government said "Don't drive drunk." Probably good advice... right up there with "Don't drive blindfolded" and "Wait for a red light to shove that pine cone up your ass." If your negligence hurts somebody else, you're held responsible, of course.

But the Government didn't stop there: "Don't drive drunk" became "Don't drink and drive," and that became "Buzzed driving is drunk driving," which has finally become, "Drive sober or get pulled over." From drunk to drinking to buzzed to sober in four easy steps… and they’re kind of being dicks about it.

Listen, the words "Orwellian" and "Big Brother" get thrown around pretty freely these days, so let's cut the hyperbole and be serious for a minute. Can you watch this message from your government and honestly say they're not trying to convey the idea "Big Brother is watching" or simply "The Government's watching you"?

The fastest way to end the Government’s overreaction/exploitation of a problem is… solve it yourself. Here at Absolute Despotism, we're all about solutions… So, submitted for your approval, a simple plan to end alcohol related driving deaths forever:

Punishing drunk drivers alone will never solve the problem, simply because… they're fucking drunk. If you're too drunk to operate a motor vehicle, you're too drunk to make responsible decisions. The government could run PSA's every goddamn day saying "Hey man, don't get drunk and fuck that fat chick" but (just like getting a DUI) guys will still wake up in a room they don't recognize, hoping they didn't fuck that hideous person next to them.

So… less stick, more carrot. You have to make NOT driving drunk a much more convenient and enjoyable option than simply driving home. How?... Think about it... At the end of the night a drunk guy wants three things: His car to get home safely, some fast food, and to fuck.

For anyone who really cares about saving lives, the solution should be obvious: America needs a charitable organization which will (for free) drive your car home, give you a pizza, and suck your cock.... Call it: "The Pizza and Blow-jobs Express." (Hey MADD… get on it.)

Just imagine those commercials... Instead of Big Brotherish cops, you’ll have hot (yet socially responsible) girls saying, "Don't drive drunk! Just give us a call and we'll drive you home, give you a pizza, and suck your dick!... All free of charge, any time you want!" Fixed forever… you’re welcome America.

Also, anyone who doesn't support this anti-drunk-driving/job-creating/life-saving initiative clearly cares more about imposing their personal morality on others than they do about saving innocent lives. Opposing the "Pizza and Blow-jobs Express" makes you, by definition, an immoral/bad person. For shame… for shame.

Good news everyone… You're definitely going to live forever (and not that "Live on forever in the memories of your loved ones" bullshit... the important way). You know those Goddamn internal organs of yours that keep threatening to "fail" every time you live life enjoyably?... Well those bitches can go fuck themselves. They're about to be totally replaceable:

This is fucking outstanding. There's no longer any justification for using government force to stop "unhealthy behavior". So… Disband the nanny state, right? Legalize all drugs immediately.  Abolish trans-fat bans and salt limits. From now on, the Government can completely focus on people who actually hurt other people, and never again say "It's for your own good." As of today... everyone can go back to minding their own fucking business.

Alright, there's good news and bad news... The good news is: You live in America and not a country like Egypt or England where the government has the power to just shut down things like cellphone communication in order to disrupt protests. The bad news is: Last Thursday the San Francisco government shut down cell phone communications in order to disrupt a protest... Fuck.

"If somebody had gotten hurt or killed over it, I don't think that price is a price that we're gonna pay for free speech." Jesus fucking Christ. Has that cocksucker really never heard Franklin's liberty vs security quote? Goddamnit San Fransisco... It's as if George Orwell was standing next to you saying "Don't touch that, it's hot." and you still fucking touched it!

Some wise son of a bitch (probably Richard Feynman or Hunter S... Who remembers at this point?) once said something like "When it comes to shitty governments, all experience has shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they're accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

Luckily, in America you can still "throw off such Government" without all the hassle of dying in a revolution (getting shot is not nearly as fun as it looks). All you have to do is accept the fact that the government's a necessary evil that will fuck you the first chance it gets... then go vote for candidates who support individual liberty and shrinking that Goddamn leviathan. Also, every time you meet a liberal, attack his beliefs until he's weeping openly... then fuck his girlfriend.