Windmills Do Not Work That Way

Apparently liberals plan to save the earth by… bathing as little as possible. The internet’s abuzz with environmentalists challenging you to "keep showers under 3 minutes." Even Jennifer Aniston has said: "I take a three-minute shower. I even brush my teeth while I shower. Every two minutes in the shower uses as much water as a person in Africa uses for everything in their life for a whole day." Un-fucking-believable… That statement has to be tackled in chunks:

First: "I take a three-minute shower." Why?... Water falls from the fucking sky! If we need more, we’ll catch more Goddamnit. And if we can’t, the price will go up, causing people to conserve when it actually matters. The only result of environmentalist’s current speed-showering is a disgusting neglect for personal hygiene and grooming. On a serious note… if the cost of saving the planet is creating a world of unkempt vaginas, fuck it... Let's burn this mother fucker down. That's not a world worth saving.

Second: "I even brush my teeth while I shower." This may be a difficult concept to grasp, but just because you're doing two things at the same time, does not mean you're being more efficient. Now pay attention liberals, this is a little trick called math: If you brush your teeth at the sink, you can actually turn the water off while you're brushing. You only really need about 5 seconds of running water, and high efficiency faucets have flow rates around 1.5 gallons per minute, that's about 16 fl oz of water to brush at the sink.

Now, when you brush in the shower, even if you're brushing with one hand and furiously scrubbing your body with the other, you're probably going to add at least 20 seconds to your shower time. Assuming you don't have a fancy shower setup, that's 20 seconds at 2.2 gallons per minute or 94 fl oz. You're wasting five fucking times more water you dumb bastards, how did you not see that?... (Alright, at this point we have to assume environmentalists are descended from some line of apes that never touched the Monolith; it’s the only possible scientific explanation.)

Lastly: “Every two minutes in the shower uses as much water as a person in Africa uses for everything in their life for a whole day." Amazing…That statement encapsulates everything that's wrong with the Left. They simply feel guilty for their prosperity and instead of figuring out how America achieved this high standard of living (and then helping poor countries follow in our footsteps) they seek to drag us down to their level.

Some people are just determined to live in a dystopian future whether they’re forced to or not. You can almost hear Huxley’s Mustapha Mond or Rand’s Ellsworth Toohey explaining that “In the shower, people’s minds are free from distractions; they have nothing to do but think… The State doesn’t need any thinking people, so we limit showers to 3 minutes.” They’re voluntarily acting this way… and bragging about it! (Next thing you know they'll be voluntarily carrying around a traceable device and voluntarily turning over every single personal detail to some global collection of profiles... Oh, right.) Listen Liberals… there’s nothing you need more than 20 minutes alone with your thoughts and some thorough crotchal maintenance… Go kill two birds with one stone.

Of all the Government agencies out there, NASA's one you could almost, kind of... like. Remember the days when convertible driving test pilots were the only ones crazy enough to be "astronauts"? It felt like NASA was different, like they weren't bullshitting you or trying to fuck you over. Sure, the Government probably shouldn't be forcing you to pay for other people's trips to space... but Goddamnit, that doesn't mean it wasn't the greatest fucking thing in the world.

You might think that any Government agency that had garnered that kind of goodwill (from even libertarians) would be careful not to fuck up their image, but no. Now the people who brought you "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" have gone from representing the pinnacle of human advancement, to shit-talking humanity to children (from a NASA website):

First of all, Government interference in the free market (through biofuel mandates and subsidies) have been the driving force behind Amazon deforestation for years. The artificial price incentivizes people to cut down forests and grow those crops. So this video teaching kids that we need to do more to stop global warming, uses as its evidence, the disastrous fucking consequences of doing more to stop global warming. Goddammit NASA, not very scientific.

Also... hey NASA, polar bears can't fucking talk, neither can monkeys. They're fucking violent, wild animals that would kill you if they had a chance. The fact that humans give two shits whether they die at all reflects the compassion and greatness of human beings. But how do those fucking bastards repay your kindness?

So people willingly pay higher prices and reduce their standard of living for the remote possibility of saving the lives of thoughtless monsters that would gladly murder and eat your whole family... And we're still the assholes? God fucking dammit NASA… Get your shit together.

Now that Bolivia and the United Nations are trying to give plants and animals the same rights as humans, you’ve got to wonder… does that mean it’ll be cool for humans to treat humans the way animals treat animals? If so, environmentalists may have just found the solution they’ve been waiting for.

By environmentalist's own standards, the "Greenest" food you can possibly eat is... human. When you think about it, a widespread descent into cannibalism would solve almost every problem liberal environmentalists bitch about.

First of all, you could stop worrying about overpopulation and global warming; for every human you eat, it removes one whole person's carbon footprint from the planet. And talk about eating locally, anyone you eat would be literally standing right next to you when they mysteriously disappear (that’s zero transportation costs, imagine how many trucks that'd take off the road).

Not to mention they’d be able to “return to nature” all the farmland used for growing and raising the food you’d otherwise have eaten. It would end the need for those genetically engineered crops and grotesquely inhumane slaughterhouses. As well as the over-fishing that’s “raping the oceans” and the over-mining that’s “raping the land.”

Also, unless you're a pro-athlete or asthmatic, you probably haven't been taking steroids. Unless you've recently been sick, you probably haven't been pumped full of antibiotics. Unless you’re in prison, you’re considered “free range.” People are just about the most "organic" food imaginable.

So liberals, people are an organic food source that’s totally local, solves overpopulation, ends cruelty to animals, ends franken-crops, has a 1 to 1 reduction rate for carbon footprints, and returns farm land to Mother Nature. Cannibalism’s your fucking panacea. Any so-called “environmentalist” that doesn't murder and eat someone immediately is a sell-out and a traitor to the cause.

Goddamn environmentalists... these ignorant fucks have no idea how much suffering they've caused. Every law has unintended consequences, but do they stop and think about who their  "Green" policies hurt? Fuck no. Consider just one of the environmentalists' dictates that have gotten people killed: Automobile fuel efficiency standards (CAFE Standards.) Everything in life has tradeoffs. Guess what cars traded for government imposed efficiency: weight, size, reinforcement... AKA Safety. In a free market, each of us could decide for ourselves the safety vs. efficiency question, but environmentalists use government force to impose their choices on everyone. So, how many people have fuel efficiency standards killed? If we told you, you'd never belive it. So we'll let a respectable person break it down:

Don’t look into it, but Earth Day (as we all learned in kindergarten) is the holiest day on the hippie calendar. Today, these worshippers of Gaia (the Earth Goddess) gather around the world, and praise her for all the death and destruction she’s caused.  During this yearly ceremony, hippies first recommit themselves to the core tenants of: poverty, flowers, and the rejection of basic hygiene. They then drop acid, form drum circles, and sing to Gaia, thanking her for being so ruthless and bloodthirsty. Finally, Gaia (feeling rejuvenated) is ready for another year. The horrifying results of this hippie ritual were on full display only months ago, when their cruel bitch of a goddess killed over 200,000 innocent Haitians. That mass murder came six years after she struck down over 230,000 Indonesians. Of course, nothing compares to what that heartless cunt pulled in 1931, when Gaia killed nearly 4 million Chinese by flooding the Yellow and Yangtze rivers. Leading scientists are still unable to determine what makes hippies such douchebags, but due to the fact that most of their victims are dark skinned, it’s clear that both hippies and Gaia are racist hate mongers.