First, the Government said "Don't drive drunk." Probably good advice... right up there with "Don't drive blindfolded" and "Wait for a red light to shove that pine cone up your ass." If your negligence hurts somebody else, you're held responsible, of course.
But the Government didn't stop there: "Don't drive drunk" became "Don't drink and drive," and that became "Buzzed driving is drunk driving," which has finally become, "Drive sober or get pulled over." From drunk to drinking to buzzed to sober in four easy steps… and they’re kind of being dicks about it.
Listen, the words "Orwellian" and "Big Brother" get thrown around pretty freely these days, so let's cut the hyperbole and be serious for a minute. Can you watch this message from your government and honestly say they're not trying to convey the idea "Big Brother is watching" or simply "The Government's watching you"?
The fastest way to end the Government’s overreaction/exploitation of a problem is… solve it yourself. Here at Absolute Despotism, we're all about solutions… So, submitted for your approval, a simple plan to end alcohol related driving deaths forever:
Punishing drunk drivers alone will never solve the problem, simply because… they're fucking drunk. If you're too drunk to operate a motor vehicle, you're too drunk to make responsible decisions. The government could run PSA's every goddamn day saying "Hey man, don't get drunk and fuck that fat chick" but (just like getting a DUI) guys will still wake up in a room they don't recognize, hoping they didn't fuck that hideous person next to them.
So… less stick, more carrot. You have to make NOT driving drunk a much more convenient and enjoyable option than simply driving home. How?... Think about it... At the end of the night a drunk guy wants three things: His car to get home safely, some fast food, and to fuck.
For anyone who really cares about saving lives, the solution should be obvious: America needs a charitable organization which will (for free) drive your car home, give you a pizza, and suck your cock.... Call it: "The Pizza and Blow-jobs Express." (Hey MADD… get on it.)
Just imagine those commercials... Instead of Big Brotherish cops, you’ll have hot (yet socially responsible) girls saying, "Don't drive drunk! Just give us a call and we'll drive you home, give you a pizza, and suck your dick!... All free of charge, any time you want!" Fixed forever… you’re welcome America.
Also, anyone who doesn't support this anti-drunk-driving/job-creating/life-saving initiative clearly cares more about imposing their personal morality on others than they do about saving innocent lives. Opposing the "Pizza and Blow-jobs Express" makes you, by definition, an immoral/bad person. For shame… for shame.