Being a libertarian is a lot like being the guy on the Titanic who bet his friend 50 bucks they'd hit an iceberg, or the scientist in every sci-fi movie who no one listens to until the shit goes down. The gravity of the situation always seems to rain on your "I told you so" parade... Unless of course... you're comfortable being a bit of an asshole... Then, the spectacle of a libertarian "I told you so End Zone Dance" Is a Goddamn sight to behold.
While everyone around you is collapsing to their knees, rending their clothes and crying out "What have I done!?" You're cabbage-patching on top of a table, sarcastically repeating each person's (now disproven) statements from previous conversations, and then breaking into a 14 minute extemporaneous song about how everyone in the room should suck your cock.
So with that in mind... anyone out there who still believes government has your best interests at heart or that politicians are anything other than the most successful conmen in history, enjoy this 60 Minutes exposé on congressional insider trading, then come back and remind everyone why you thought it was a good idea to put these people in charge of healthcare, education, or anything for that matter.
If you give the Government money, politicians will use it to enrich their contributors, their friends, and themselves... Then they'll lie to your face and call you selfish for not wanting to pay higher taxes... Stop fucking believing them.
In their recent "Occupy Wall Street" protests, liberals made 2 things perfectly clear: First, you can do some of the drugs, all the time; and you can do all of the drugs, some of the time… but you can't do all of the drugs, all of the time, without huge sacrifices in basic hygiene and interpersonal skills.
Second, liberals still think "the rich" don't "pay their fair share." Somehow -- no matter how many times you show them federal tax statistics -- liberals refuse to reevaluate their world view (which kind of makes sense… If they admitted that they're not actually being screwed by anyone, they'd have no one to hate but themselves).
So, let's put an end to this bullshit socialist talking point once and for all... Any way you look at it, "the rich" pay far more than their "fair share" of federal taxes:
"It's not that our liberal friends are ignorant… It's just that they know so much that isn't so." Absolutely Goddamn right. But if that chart's not doing it for you, here's another:
Had enough?... No? Fine... fuck you, one more: [note: this one can be a little confusing at first, each column adds up to 100%, the more of a color, the more that group paid.]
Last year the Federal Government spent $3.8 trillion, that’s $16,000 per working age adult. So, liberals, unless you paid the Feds 16k last year, the rich not only paid THEIR fair share, they paid YOUR fair share as well. So stop fucking lying you intellectually dishonest cocksuckers.
Listen, its not about feeling sorry for rich people, they're probably all douchebags, but when someone buys you a drink (even when he's rich and can afford it) you say thank you... You don't call him greedy and demand he buy you 15 more, because that makes you an ungrateful little bitch.
In the old days, politicians could just send an aide to pick up a briefcase full of cash in a rainy parking lot, and that was that... Bribe accomplished. But now with cell phone cameras, banking records, and that Goddamn internet, using your elected office to become millionaire is getting tricky.
Fortunately for struggling public servants everywhere, the classic "shady land-deal" still works like a charm. It's basically the political version of insider trading: You find some worthless/shitty land and have your "associates" buy it up for you (if the current owners won't sell, you simply force them out... you're the government). Then you rezone (or build a highway through) the land, its value skyrockets, and your "associates" cut you in on the profits.
By the looks of it, some California politicians have already chosen their "shitty land" and are working on stage two: Forcing out the current owners:
"We're from the government, and we're here to help" ... That piece of shit County Supervisor's a prime example of why term limits are so Goddamn important. How many terms?… One. Your liberty is more fucking important than some power-hungry douchebag's career.
First, the Government said "Don't drive drunk." Probably good advice... right up there with "Don't drive blindfolded" and "Wait for a red light to shove that pine cone up your ass." If your negligence hurts somebody else, you're held responsible, of course.
But the Government didn't stop there: "Don't drive drunk" became "Don't drink and drive," and that became "Buzzed driving is drunk driving," which has finally become, "Drive sober or get pulled over." From drunk to drinking to buzzed to sober in four easy steps… and they’re kind of being dicks about it.
Listen, the words "Orwellian" and "Big Brother" get thrown around pretty freely these days, so let's cut the hyperbole and be serious for a minute. Can you watch this message from your government and honestly say they're not trying to convey the idea "Big Brother is watching" or simply "The Government's watching you"?
The fastest way to end the Government’s overreaction/exploitation of a problem is… solve it yourself. Here at Absolute Despotism, we're all about solutions… So, submitted for your approval, a simple plan to end alcohol related driving deaths forever:
Punishing drunk drivers alone will never solve the problem, simply because… they're fucking drunk. If you're too drunk to operate a motor vehicle, you're too drunk to make responsible decisions. The government could run PSA's every goddamn day saying "Hey man, don't get drunk and fuck that fat chick" but (just like getting a DUI) guys will still wake up in a room they don't recognize, hoping they didn't fuck that hideous person next to them.
So… less stick, more carrot. You have to make NOT driving drunk a much more convenient and enjoyable option than simply driving home. How?... Think about it... At the end of the night a drunk guy wants three things: His car to get home safely, some fast food, and to fuck.
For anyone who really cares about saving lives, the solution should be obvious: America needs a charitable organization which will (for free) drive your car home, give you a pizza, and suck your cock.... Call it: "The Pizza and Blow-jobs Express." (Hey MADD… get on it.)
Just imagine those commercials... Instead of Big Brotherish cops, you’ll have hot (yet socially responsible) girls saying, "Don't drive drunk! Just give us a call and we'll drive you home, give you a pizza, and suck your dick!... All free of charge, any time you want!" Fixed forever… you’re welcome America.
Also, anyone who doesn't support this anti-drunk-driving/job-creating/life-saving initiative clearly cares more about imposing their personal morality on others than they do about saving innocent lives. Opposing the "Pizza and Blow-jobs Express" makes you, by definition, an immoral/bad person. For shame… for shame.
Alright, there's good news and bad news... The good news is: You live in America and not a country like Egypt or England where the government has the power to just shut down things like cellphone communication in order to disrupt protests. The bad news is: Last Thursday the San Francisco government shut down cell phone communications in order to disrupt a protest... Fuck.
"If somebody had gotten hurt or killed over it, I don't think that price is a price that we're gonna pay for free speech." Jesus fucking Christ. Has that cocksucker really never heard Franklin's liberty vs security quote? Goddamnit San Fransisco... It's as if George Orwell was standing next to you saying "Don't touch that, it's hot." and you still fucking touched it!
Some wise son of a bitch (probably Richard Feynman or Hunter S... Who remembers at this point?) once said something like "When it comes to shitty governments, all experience has shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they're accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."
Luckily, in America you can still "throw off such Government" without all the hassle of dying in a revolution (getting shot is not nearly as fun as it looks). All you have to do is accept the fact that the government's a necessary evil that will fuck you the first chance it gets... then go vote for candidates who support individual liberty and shrinking that Goddamn leviathan. Also, every time you meet a liberal, attack his beliefs until he's weeping openly... then fuck his girlfriend.
Here's a fun game, it's called "Guess how much the Interstate Highway System cost." Yes, those 47,000 miles of road spanning North America from the Atlantic to Pacific; signed into law by Eisenhower back in 1956 and taking 30 years to build. Adjusting for inflation, how much did that run the U.S.?
Well... the Stimulus Bill was $787 billion, and the Federal Government is running a yearly deficit of $1,600 billion... So it has to be more than that, otherwise the government would be borrowing the equivalent of an entire extra Interstate Highway System every year... which would be insane. Right?
Ok, time's up. The winner’s whoever's closest without going over. Ready?... And the answer (in 2010 dollars) is... $460 billion... So the government doesn't borrow one "the highways" per year, they borrow three and a half "the highways" per year... God fucking damnit. How is that possible?
Did the Stimulus Bill secretly build another set of roads they haven't told people about?... Oh, maybe it's a surprise! Has anyone noticed 50,000 miles of sheets suspiciously covering what appears to be a flat surface?... No?... Well, then fuck.
The Federal Government’s spendinga total of $3,800 billion this year, but when you add in the State and Local levels, total Government spending’s almost $6,100 billion. To put that into perspective, the total adjusted gross income reported to the IRS by everyone combined in America on their 2009 tax returns was only $7,600 billion and the economy hasn’t grown much since then.
In other words… It’s a fucking spending problem. No economy could survive with this type of weight dragging it down. It's like goddamn cement shoes... And what do you get for your trillions? How are the schools?… fucked. How are the roads?… shitty. And they will be no matter how much the Government spends because politicians aren’t interested in fixing them. They're interested in campaign contributions and reelections. Some people are a little weary about privatizing various services, but honestly... nobody could do a worse job than the Government.
